hearts that

hearts that bleed

hearts that feel the dead

hearts that are half dead

hearts that hurt

hearts that cry

hearts that lie

hearts that know more than your head

but always get mislead

hearts that are in cages

but know more than the brain

hearts that never give up

hearts that wish they could give up

hearts that never heal

hearts that never heal

I remember.

I remember hiding above the stairs at grandmas and not wanting to go home because she was the best grandma in the world. I remember my dad buying me and my sister a whole tub of cookie dough for lunch at his volleyball tournament in Moab. 

I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember it was the first time I cried of pure happiness and joy because I liked him so much. 

I remember that boy I met in 9th grade. I remember daybreak. I also remember the day he slammed my car door and walked away. I remember everything about those 4 years and I don't know if that's good or bad. 

I remember my little sister. Her laugh her smile her scream. I remember crying so hard I didn't know how it was possible to have tears left. I remember sophomore year. The worst year of my entire life. 

I remember my 3rd grade teacher ms okelberry and how she loved me and kept up me throughout the years. She still does and even came to my sisters funeral. 

I remember being scared of doby. I remember the time I felt so unwanted and so lonely I never wanted to wake up again. I remember my first kiss in my backyard in the forest. 

I remember my birthdays never being as special as I always imagined they would be. I remember my "sweet 16" being the absolute worst birthday of my life. I remember not caring about anyone or anything. I remember growth hormone shots every single night in my arms and legs. I remember my first D- in physics. 

I remember people becoming too cool for me. I remember meme being my favorite aunt and Scott and Nate my favorite uncles. They were the rebels and I love them haha. 

I remember the bus drivers that took us everywhere for cheer and how they were the most genuine people I had ever met. I remember that girl in the hall who said hi to me on that day where i felt I had lost everything and she made me feel like the most special person in the world. 

I remember "gambling" Halloween candy with my siblings and I remember when cell phones didn't exist and when times were 10x better without it. (In some ways) I remember Polly pockets and littlest pet shops. 

I remember missing someone so much you don't know what to do with yourself and I remember pure pain and loss. 

I remember. 

You are my favorite

I come visit you every time something seems to go wrong. I'm so happy your close and I can be with you in less than 5 minutes. You make me feel better even with your absence. You make me feel something people who are on earth can't even make me feel while you aren't even here. 

I just get out my blanket and lay down next to you. You're all I need on nights like this. I'll play some of our favorite jams. I'll put on some sad music and cry my eyes out. 

I'm that graveyard girl. That graveyard girl that comes at midnight and 2am to sit in the cemetery all night with her sister. 

I miss you.. you know. I miss you. I don't want this pain anymore and it's not getting any better. People forget. They forget. They move on and that's what hurts the most. You feel sad and people make it seem like you should move on already. "It's been long enough" they say. "Time heals." No. No it doesn't. 

Pain is still there... In that hole in your heart that will never heal.

They still fit

"A lady once stopped me on the street, I was wearing white shoes she said I'm glad your stickin with the white shoes. It makes me feel better" 

Shoes. The topic is shoes. 

I love shoes and hate shoes. You've got to find the right ones... Some may look pretty and cost hundreds of dollars... but they hurt like a mother. Some look ugly and not the most flattering but are the comfiest shoes you have ever worn. Some you have had for 6 years you love them so much and refuse to give them up or throw them out. (Yes I actually have a pair my dad got me in 6th grade. They still fit.) and you've got shoes that you never even wore you just bought them cause they looked cool.

Shoes are like people.  

oh hey guys

hey










hey guys

































are you ready























i dont think you are
























i know you are















i am





















....
















dresden































aka






















mia evans

thank you.

Stay a little longer

I missed you so much

I'm so happy you came back to visit me

I love when you come to visit me

There is a certain happiness only you can give me. No one else has ever given me that kind of happiness and it scares me a little. What if I can't be with you forever... What if something happens and I can never find that happiness again?  I'm scared because what I have with you is so real. 

It's real. None of that fake bullshit that surrounds us. You're the only real thing I've got right now but I don't even have you 100%. You're gone a lot.  

You come to visit sometimes but it's not enough. When you visit it's nothing but laughs, smiles, and kisses on the forehead and "I've missed yous" 

I just wish you could stay a little longer. 

Pics pics pics

some songs you should listen to...

well first off you can listen to all the songs i put on my blog:)

• specks-matt pond PA (great song for those canyon drives)
• adorn-miguel
• sorry momma- YG
• my boo-usher
• so into you-fabolous 
• pictures of you-the cure
• all john mayer
• pull my heart away- jack penate (another good canyon song)
• lost-chance the rapper
• come over-skizzy mars
• old school chris brown
• want that old thing back-biggie (matoma remix)*** good
• earned it- the weeknd
• brother-matt corby
• good vibrations- marky mark (i swear anytime you are sad just listen to this and you are automatically so much happier)
• show me- omarion ft. jeremih
• any j boog and fiji
• the light-common
• all trey songz
•  until the end of time-JT
•  drake & j. cole
• tipsy-t-pain
• i will be there- odessa
• don't know why-norah jones 

well there you have it...enjoyyyyy

half this post is j.cole lyrics

you wanna know what's scary?

thinking you know someone...you've known them for years. you know everything about them, right? but the thing is, you really don't.

one day out of the blue they will say something to you that you had no idea ever even crossed their mind to say. in that moment, you wish you never met them

i have no idea what i'm saying and i have no idea what to write

i'm sad.

you should listen to the song fire squad by j. cole its really good

"we all kings. kings of ourselves first and foremost."

i like that line...and i dont know why..

"History repeats itself and that's just how it goes
Same way that these rappers always bite each others flows
Same thing that my nigga Elvis did with Rock n Roll
Justin Timberlake, Eminem, and then Macklemore
While silly niggas argue over who gone snatch the crown
Look around my nigga white people have snatched the sound


Ain't gonna be no more kings
Be wary of any man that claims
Because deep down he clings onto the need for power
But in reality he's a coward
Ultimately he's scared to die
And sometimes so am I
But when I'm in tune with the most high
I realize
The fear lies in my lack of awareness of the other side "

anyways... sorry if you just wasted your time reading this but no one is probably reading this anyway so i guess its ok

trying to think of a good title

Life. 

It is such a precious gift. They say you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Never would I know the true meaning of that till I first hand experienced it. 

Losing someone makes you wish you could go back to every single moment with them. The smallest things mean the most to you. 

I remember her bare feet down the hallway

I remember her little laugh 

puzzles on the kitchen floor 

Barbies and dolls, I love you to the moon and back

I remember her green eyes looking into mine 

Like we had our own secret club 

I remember her dancing before bedtime the jumping on me waking me up 

I can still feel her hold my hand

Life was so good to her. She had her best friend up the street and her sweet family to take care of here. I tried to be the best sister in the world to her even though I know I wasn't the best at times. She and I had so much fun together and I miss those times more than anything.

I know things can be taken from you so quick and so sudden. You can't even blink, and it's already taken from you. I woke up on a Saturday to head to the mall with mom and while I was doing my hair, I heard that scream and my world crushed into pieces. Never to be the same ever again.

"Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
Now it's too late to hold you.. cause you've flown away. So far away. Never had I imagined living without your smile. But feeling and knowing you hear me.. It keeps me alive. 

I never showed you completely. I assumed you'd always be there. I took your presence for granted.. But I always cared. And I miss the love we shared. 

I know you're shining down on me from heaven. Like so many friends we've lost along the way. And I know eventually we'll be together..one sweet day."

Cherish every moment with those you love. 

Cherish it like its your last because I am telling you...
You never know when it could honestly be your very last moment.