#RealTalk

If you really knew me, you'd know I love listening to music. You would know I have to be listening to it all the time and that I can go from rap biggie smalls to classical Debussy. You would know I love reggae and hawaiian music and the whole polynesian culture a little too much. If you really knew me, you'd know I hate country with a passion. You would know my extreme level of hate towards the radio, "top 10 hits", and Taylor Swift.

If you really knew me, you'd know how much I respect my dad and how dear and close to my heart he is. You'd know my feelings towards my mom and all the stories that go along with her. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm cold. All the time. You would know my car is always blasting the hot air because of that, and it doesn't matter if it's summertime, the AC will never be turned on.

If you really knew me, you'd know I was 3lbs when I was born and I took growth hormone steroid shots for 7 years. You'd know I'm very self conscious of my height. If you really knew me, you'd know I have played 7 different sports with no sustained injuries besides a partially ripped ear during a rugby game. You would know I have never seen Star Wars or Lord of the Rings and that I don't plan on seeing them. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm always at the gym but I hate gym rats. 

If you really knew me, you'd know my car, my room, and myself always have to smell good and I love smelling everything. You would know that I hate Chapstick. You'd know I could drive for endless hours and never get tired of driving. You'd know my windows are always down in my car no matter what the weather. 

If you really knew me you'd know I'm allergic to cats and that I hate cartoon network. You'd know I dream an average of 3 dreams a night and that I remember them all. You would know I'm hungry 24/7 and I'm constantly eating. You'd know the piano is the most calming thing in the world to me.

If you really knew me, you would know I'm not a morning person and that I hate sleeping with pillows.  You'd know the cemetery is one of my favorite places to be. You'd know that sirens make my heart beat out of my chest.

You'd know I can't whistle and that I love the word dammit and hate the word groggy. You would know I love giving back massages. You would know I am the biggest hypocrite. You would know I love to learn and that I am scared of sharks but I watch Shark Week every year. You'd know I love Naked juice and fry sauce. You would know my memory is so awful and thats why everyone tells me their secrets because I'll just forget them the next day. 

If you really knew me, you'd know how independent I am and how I hate being told what to do. If you really truly knew me, you'd know my philosophy  of life consists of being nice to everyone, reaching out to the less fortunate, loving others, and not judging anyone. 

lovely

The Act, William Carlos Williams

There were the roses, in the rain.
Don’t cut them, I pleaded. They won’t last, she said.
But they’re so beautiful where they are.
Agh, we were all beautiful once, she said,
and cut them and gave them to me in my hand.

hearts that

hearts that bleed

hearts that feel the dead

hearts that are half dead

hearts that hurt

hearts that cry

hearts that lie

hearts that know more than your head

but always get mislead

hearts that are in cages

but know more than the brain

hearts that never give up

hearts that wish they could give up

hearts that never heal

hearts that never heal

I remember.

I remember hiding above the stairs at grandmas and not wanting to go home because she was the best grandma in the world. I remember my dad buying me and my sister a whole tub of cookie dough for lunch at his volleyball tournament in Moab. 

I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember it was the first time I cried of pure happiness and joy because I liked him so much. 

I remember that boy I met in 9th grade. I remember daybreak. I also remember the day he slammed my car door and walked away. I remember everything about those 4 years and I don't know if that's good or bad. 

I remember my little sister. Her laugh her smile her scream. I remember crying so hard I didn't know how it was possible to have tears left. I remember sophomore year. The worst year of my entire life. 

I remember my 3rd grade teacher ms okelberry and how she loved me and kept up me throughout the years. She still does and even came to my sisters funeral. 

I remember being scared of doby. I remember the time I felt so unwanted and so lonely I never wanted to wake up again. I remember my first kiss in my backyard in the forest. 

I remember my birthdays never being as special as I always imagined they would be. I remember my "sweet 16" being the absolute worst birthday of my life. I remember not caring about anyone or anything. I remember growth hormone shots every single night in my arms and legs. I remember my first D- in physics. 

I remember people becoming too cool for me. I remember meme being my favorite aunt and Scott and Nate my favorite uncles. They were the rebels and I love them haha. 

I remember the bus drivers that took us everywhere for cheer and how they were the most genuine people I had ever met. I remember that girl in the hall who said hi to me on that day where i felt I had lost everything and she made me feel like the most special person in the world. 

I remember "gambling" Halloween candy with my siblings and I remember when cell phones didn't exist and when times were 10x better without it. (In some ways) I remember Polly pockets and littlest pet shops. 

I remember missing someone so much you don't know what to do with yourself and I remember pure pain and loss. 

I remember. 

You are my favorite

I come visit you every time something seems to go wrong. I'm so happy your close and I can be with you in less than 5 minutes. You make me feel better even with your absence. You make me feel something people who are on earth can't even make me feel while you aren't even here. 

I just get out my blanket and lay down next to you. You're all I need on nights like this. I'll play some of our favorite jams. I'll put on some sad music and cry my eyes out. 

I'm that graveyard girl. That graveyard girl that comes at midnight and 2am to sit in the cemetery all night with her sister. 

I miss you.. you know. I miss you. I don't want this pain anymore and it's not getting any better. People forget. They forget. They move on and that's what hurts the most. You feel sad and people make it seem like you should move on already. "It's been long enough" they say. "Time heals." No. No it doesn't. 

Pain is still there... In that hole in your heart that will never heal.

They still fit

"A lady once stopped me on the street, I was wearing white shoes she said I'm glad your stickin with the white shoes. It makes me feel better" 

Shoes. The topic is shoes. 

I love shoes and hate shoes. You've got to find the right ones... Some may look pretty and cost hundreds of dollars... but they hurt like a mother. Some look ugly and not the most flattering but are the comfiest shoes you have ever worn. Some you have had for 6 years you love them so much and refuse to give them up or throw them out. (Yes I actually have a pair my dad got me in 6th grade. They still fit.) and you've got shoes that you never even wore you just bought them cause they looked cool.

Shoes are like people.  

oh hey guys

hey










hey guys

































are you ready























i dont think you are
























i know you are















i am





















....
















dresden































aka






















mia evans

thank you.

Stay a little longer

I missed you so much

I'm so happy you came back to visit me

I love when you come to visit me

There is a certain happiness only you can give me. No one else has ever given me that kind of happiness and it scares me a little. What if I can't be with you forever... What if something happens and I can never find that happiness again?  I'm scared because what I have with you is so real. 

It's real. None of that fake bullshit that surrounds us. You're the only real thing I've got right now but I don't even have you 100%. You're gone a lot.  

You come to visit sometimes but it's not enough. When you visit it's nothing but laughs, smiles, and kisses on the forehead and "I've missed yous" 

I just wish you could stay a little longer. 

Pics pics pics

some songs you should listen to...

well first off you can listen to all the songs i put on my blog:)

• specks-matt pond PA (great song for those canyon drives)
• adorn-miguel
• sorry momma- YG
• my boo-usher
• so into you-fabolous 
• pictures of you-the cure
• all john mayer
• pull my heart away- jack penate (another good canyon song)
• lost-chance the rapper
• come over-skizzy mars
• old school chris brown
• want that old thing back-biggie (matoma remix)*** good
• earned it- the weeknd
• brother-matt corby
• good vibrations- marky mark (i swear anytime you are sad just listen to this and you are automatically so much happier)
• show me- omarion ft. jeremih
• any j boog and fiji
• the light-common
• all trey songz
•  until the end of time-JT
•  drake & j. cole
• tipsy-t-pain
• i will be there- odessa
• don't know why-norah jones 

well there you have it...enjoyyyyy