#RealTalk

If you really knew me, you'd know I love listening to music. You would know I have to be listening to it all the time and that I can go from rap biggie smalls to classical Debussy. You would know I love reggae and hawaiian music and the whole polynesian culture a little too much. If you really knew me, you'd know I hate country with a passion. You would know my extreme level of hate towards the radio, "top 10 hits", and Taylor Swift.

If you really knew me, you'd know how much I respect my dad and how dear and close to my heart he is. You'd know my feelings towards my mom and all the stories that go along with her. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm cold. All the time. You would know my car is always blasting the hot air because of that, and it doesn't matter if it's summertime, the AC will never be turned on.

If you really knew me, you'd know I was 3lbs when I was born and I took growth hormone steroid shots for 7 years. You'd know I'm very self conscious of my height. If you really knew me, you'd know I have played 7 different sports with no sustained injuries besides a partially ripped ear during a rugby game. You would know I have never seen Star Wars or Lord of the Rings and that I don't plan on seeing them. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm always at the gym but I hate gym rats. 

If you really knew me, you'd know my car, my room, and myself always have to smell good and I love smelling everything. You would know that I hate Chapstick. You'd know I could drive for endless hours and never get tired of driving. You'd know my windows are always down in my car no matter what the weather. 

If you really knew me you'd know I'm allergic to cats and that I hate cartoon network. You'd know I dream an average of 3 dreams a night and that I remember them all. You would know I'm hungry 24/7 and I'm constantly eating. You'd know the piano is the most calming thing in the world to me.

If you really knew me, you would know I'm not a morning person and that I hate sleeping with pillows.  You'd know the cemetery is one of my favorite places to be. You'd know that sirens make my heart beat out of my chest.

You'd know I can't whistle and that I love the word dammit and hate the word groggy. You would know I love giving back massages. You would know I am the biggest hypocrite. You would know I love to learn and that I am scared of sharks but I watch Shark Week every year. You'd know I love Naked juice and fry sauce. You would know my memory is so awful and thats why everyone tells me their secrets because I'll just forget them the next day. 

If you really knew me, you'd know how independent I am and how I hate being told what to do. If you really truly knew me, you'd know my philosophy  of life consists of being nice to everyone, reaching out to the less fortunate, loving others, and not judging anyone. 

lovely

The Act, William Carlos Williams

There were the roses, in the rain.
Don’t cut them, I pleaded. They won’t last, she said.
But they’re so beautiful where they are.
Agh, we were all beautiful once, she said,
and cut them and gave them to me in my hand.

hearts that

hearts that bleed

hearts that feel the dead

hearts that are half dead

hearts that hurt

hearts that cry

hearts that lie

hearts that know more than your head

but always get mislead

hearts that are in cages

but know more than the brain

hearts that never give up

hearts that wish they could give up

hearts that never heal

hearts that never heal

I remember.

I remember hiding above the stairs at grandmas and not wanting to go home because she was the best grandma in the world. I remember my dad buying me and my sister a whole tub of cookie dough for lunch at his volleyball tournament in Moab. 

I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember it was the first time I cried of pure happiness and joy because I liked him so much. 

I remember that boy I met in 9th grade. I remember daybreak. I also remember the day he slammed my car door and walked away. I remember everything about those 4 years and I don't know if that's good or bad. 

I remember my little sister. Her laugh her smile her scream. I remember crying so hard I didn't know how it was possible to have tears left. I remember sophomore year. The worst year of my entire life. 

I remember my 3rd grade teacher ms okelberry and how she loved me and kept up me throughout the years. She still does and even came to my sisters funeral. 

I remember being scared of doby. I remember the time I felt so unwanted and so lonely I never wanted to wake up again. I remember my first kiss in my backyard in the forest. 

I remember my birthdays never being as special as I always imagined they would be. I remember my "sweet 16" being the absolute worst birthday of my life. I remember not caring about anyone or anything. I remember growth hormone shots every single night in my arms and legs. I remember my first D- in physics. 

I remember people becoming too cool for me. I remember meme being my favorite aunt and Scott and Nate my favorite uncles. They were the rebels and I love them haha. 

I remember the bus drivers that took us everywhere for cheer and how they were the most genuine people I had ever met. I remember that girl in the hall who said hi to me on that day where i felt I had lost everything and she made me feel like the most special person in the world. 

I remember "gambling" Halloween candy with my siblings and I remember when cell phones didn't exist and when times were 10x better without it. (In some ways) I remember Polly pockets and littlest pet shops. 

I remember missing someone so much you don't know what to do with yourself and I remember pure pain and loss. 

I remember. 

You are my favorite

I come visit you every time something seems to go wrong. I'm so happy your close and I can be with you in less than 5 minutes. You make me feel better even with your absence. You make me feel something people who are on earth can't even make me feel while you aren't even here. 

I just get out my blanket and lay down next to you. You're all I need on nights like this. I'll play some of our favorite jams. I'll put on some sad music and cry my eyes out. 

I'm that graveyard girl. That graveyard girl that comes at midnight and 2am to sit in the cemetery all night with her sister. 

I miss you.. you know. I miss you. I don't want this pain anymore and it's not getting any better. People forget. They forget. They move on and that's what hurts the most. You feel sad and people make it seem like you should move on already. "It's been long enough" they say. "Time heals." No. No it doesn't. 

Pain is still there... In that hole in your heart that will never heal.

They still fit

"A lady once stopped me on the street, I was wearing white shoes she said I'm glad your stickin with the white shoes. It makes me feel better" 

Shoes. The topic is shoes. 

I love shoes and hate shoes. You've got to find the right ones... Some may look pretty and cost hundreds of dollars... but they hurt like a mother. Some look ugly and not the most flattering but are the comfiest shoes you have ever worn. Some you have had for 6 years you love them so much and refuse to give them up or throw them out. (Yes I actually have a pair my dad got me in 6th grade. They still fit.) and you've got shoes that you never even wore you just bought them cause they looked cool.

Shoes are like people.  

oh hey guys

hey










hey guys

































are you ready























i dont think you are
























i know you are















i am





















....
















dresden































aka






















mia evans

thank you.

Stay a little longer

I missed you so much

I'm so happy you came back to visit me

I love when you come to visit me

There is a certain happiness only you can give me. No one else has ever given me that kind of happiness and it scares me a little. What if I can't be with you forever... What if something happens and I can never find that happiness again?  I'm scared because what I have with you is so real. 

It's real. None of that fake bullshit that surrounds us. You're the only real thing I've got right now but I don't even have you 100%. You're gone a lot.  

You come to visit sometimes but it's not enough. When you visit it's nothing but laughs, smiles, and kisses on the forehead and "I've missed yous" 

I just wish you could stay a little longer. 

Pics pics pics

some songs you should listen to...

well first off you can listen to all the songs i put on my blog:)

• specks-matt pond PA (great song for those canyon drives)
• adorn-miguel
• sorry momma- YG
• my boo-usher
• so into you-fabolous 
• pictures of you-the cure
• all john mayer
• pull my heart away- jack penate (another good canyon song)
• lost-chance the rapper
• come over-skizzy mars
• old school chris brown
• want that old thing back-biggie (matoma remix)*** good
• earned it- the weeknd
• brother-matt corby
• good vibrations- marky mark (i swear anytime you are sad just listen to this and you are automatically so much happier)
• show me- omarion ft. jeremih
• any j boog and fiji
• the light-common
• all trey songz
•  until the end of time-JT
•  drake & j. cole
• tipsy-t-pain
• i will be there- odessa
• don't know why-norah jones 

well there you have it...enjoyyyyy

half this post is j.cole lyrics

you wanna know what's scary?

thinking you know someone...you've known them for years. you know everything about them, right? but the thing is, you really don't.

one day out of the blue they will say something to you that you had no idea ever even crossed their mind to say. in that moment, you wish you never met them

i have no idea what i'm saying and i have no idea what to write

i'm sad.

you should listen to the song fire squad by j. cole its really good

"we all kings. kings of ourselves first and foremost."

i like that line...and i dont know why..

"History repeats itself and that's just how it goes
Same way that these rappers always bite each others flows
Same thing that my nigga Elvis did with Rock n Roll
Justin Timberlake, Eminem, and then Macklemore
While silly niggas argue over who gone snatch the crown
Look around my nigga white people have snatched the sound


Ain't gonna be no more kings
Be wary of any man that claims
Because deep down he clings onto the need for power
But in reality he's a coward
Ultimately he's scared to die
And sometimes so am I
But when I'm in tune with the most high
I realize
The fear lies in my lack of awareness of the other side "

anyways... sorry if you just wasted your time reading this but no one is probably reading this anyway so i guess its ok

trying to think of a good title

Life. 

It is such a precious gift. They say you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Never would I know the true meaning of that till I first hand experienced it. 

Losing someone makes you wish you could go back to every single moment with them. The smallest things mean the most to you. 

I remember her bare feet down the hallway

I remember her little laugh 

puzzles on the kitchen floor 

Barbies and dolls, I love you to the moon and back

I remember her green eyes looking into mine 

Like we had our own secret club 

I remember her dancing before bedtime the jumping on me waking me up 

I can still feel her hold my hand

Life was so good to her. She had her best friend up the street and her sweet family to take care of here. I tried to be the best sister in the world to her even though I know I wasn't the best at times. She and I had so much fun together and I miss those times more than anything.

I know things can be taken from you so quick and so sudden. You can't even blink, and it's already taken from you. I woke up on a Saturday to head to the mall with mom and while I was doing my hair, I heard that scream and my world crushed into pieces. Never to be the same ever again.

"Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
Now it's too late to hold you.. cause you've flown away. So far away. Never had I imagined living without your smile. But feeling and knowing you hear me.. It keeps me alive. 

I never showed you completely. I assumed you'd always be there. I took your presence for granted.. But I always cared. And I miss the love we shared. 

I know you're shining down on me from heaven. Like so many friends we've lost along the way. And I know eventually we'll be together..one sweet day."

Cherish every moment with those you love. 

Cherish it like its your last because I am telling you...
You never know when it could honestly be your very last moment. 

I remember you

I remember your hugs and kisses. They made me so happy. They were so innocent.

I remember you coming into my room and wanting to dance with me. You'd tell me to turn on my rap music and justin beiber so we could jam and I remember your dancing was actually pretty good for how little you were haha

I remember on Saturday mornings you would come run in my room to wake me up and I would get so mad at you but now I'd give anything to have you come wake me up again. 

I remember your laugh. It was the cutest thing in the world. I can't remember what it sounds like very clearly anymore and that kills me...

I remember the time you shattered my favorite perfume bottle all over the floor. I was so mad at you for that. And the time you took all my makeup and put it all over your face and mom sat and took pictures of you all afternoon.

I remember when grandma told me when you grew up, you told her you wanted to be just like me. 

I remember your bratty faces. They were so sassy and you got so mad when I laughed at you but they were so cute. I remember the way you would say "nu-uh!!" And how your bottom lip and chin would stick out. And your screams. And stomping around. 

I remember coming home to puzzles and crayons and pictures covering the floor. I remember the pictures you drew for me. 

I remember the day you left this earth that Saturday. It was so out of the blue. I was listening to "Good Day" by Nappy Roots singing along "and aint nobody gonna cry today, cause aint nobody gonna die today" until I heard the scream from downstairs and those lyrics will forever be hated. 

The flowers filled the porch in the worst way. The food from neighbors. Texts from unknown people. Confusion. Pink everything. White everything... Hugs. Lots of hugs. Losing 10 pounds in 5 days. Being mad. Very very mad. 

It felt like a dream that I couldn't get out of. It seemed like the world wasn't even happening. Just motions and more motions. 

I remember you being the sunshine in my life every single day. I miss that. I miss that more than anything in the entire world. 

Bricks are people

Bricks are people.

You can be the brick who crushes, kills, destroys. The brick who sits there and is no good for anything. The brick that stubs your toe and cuts your shin when you trip over it. 

Or

You can be the brick who helps build houses, mansions, buildings. The brick who makes things taller and higher when placed underneath. The brick who will provide things you couldn't alone. 

words

the ugliest sounding words ever:

• crisp
• groggy
• ooze
• phlegm
• pus
• mcgriddle
• juicy
• loogy
• rural
• flubber
• mold
• blog
• blurb
• slab
• crunchy
• smegma
• pickle
• smelly
• cringe
• piggy
• basically anything with a double g (except for Biggie cause it's biggie)
• giggle
• chunk
• curdle curdle
• creature

the best sounding words ever:

• cube
• point
• bleed
• pomegranate 
• kitchen
• click
• bizarre
• ivory
• lemon
• slip
• gauge
• plasma
• benz
• rain
• blaze
• chrome
• clutch
• tax
• ice
• quarter
• precisely 

i still feel

sometimes society wants us to act like robots. nothing but repetition. repetition. repetition. perfection. no mistakes. for all of us to be the same. to fit in the same mold. 

there is a standard that comes with living in this world. a pressure that one can't get rid of. we have to be doing good in school, all on the same page. you have to be quicker than that. you have to look like this. no you can't be sad right now. you're not allowed to feel like that. 

but i still feel. 

• anger
• frustration
• curiosity
• panic
• amusement
• disgust
• gratitude
• grief
• relief
• disappointment
• self confidence
• interest
• embarrassment
• shame
• greed
• empathy
• excitement
• love
• hope

hey james todd smith

my path was marked by the stars of the southern hemisphere

"this is the story of how i began to remember..."
-paul simon.

music is my earliest memory of childhood. will smith, prince, paul simon, jackson 5, and cotton eye joe.

music is such a big part in my life and i can see how it has followed me from my youth.  

the music of my childhood set me free and let me feel like the luckiest happiest worry free girl in the world (not that i even knew what worries were),but as i have grown, that has changed.

i am not as free as id like to be. as i have grown up, i have noticed i have hidden the music i grew up with because...

here come the judgements.
the gossip.
the comments.
the whispers.
the making fun of.

none of this was a worry as a kid, i was just carefree and happy.


jackson 5- "he rocks in the tree tops all day long, hoppin and a boppin and singing his song. all the little birdies on jaybird street love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet"

as a child all i would do is dance around. you sneak into your moms room, steal a pair of her high heels, and watch yourself groove in the mirror.

you dance.
you laugh.
you wipe your boogers on the couch.
you play with everyone.
everyones cool.

cause who cares??

will smith- "i wanna stay with you forever. i wanna spend all my life with only you. i wanna stay, lets stay together. chasing forever, with only you."

what the heck is love? never as a child do you listen to the lyrics. there was no such thing as love. 

just crushes. 

and kisses on the cheek. pecks with boys in your 2nd grade class and getting in trouble from your teacher who saw you do it.(ya that was me) no heartbreaks. 

just crushes.


prince- "whats the matter with your life, is the poverty bringing you down? is the mailman jerking you around? did he put your million dollar check in someone else's box?"

money? didn't exist. when it did, you were saving up money for tamagotchis and nintendo DS games. slap bracelets, slinkys, and gameboys.

not for gas.
not for clothes.
not for phones.
concerts.
movies.
food. your mom made your food. 

and the mailman was only good for birthday cards your grandparents sent to you on your birthday. 

cotton eye joe- "where did you come from? where did you go? where did you come from cotton eye joe?..."

don't really know how this one correlates but this was the best song ever to dance too lol.

but thats the joy of remembering being a kid. its all about just being whatever. not having to have reasons and correct answers. nothing had to make sense. 

so why has all this changed now?

you can call me dres

well.

                i don't even know where to begin.

my pen name? ya don't even know where that came from.

it's a city in germany, maybe i'll name my kid that.

so nelson told us to introduce ourselves.. so here goes i guess.

i'm the biggest hypocrite you will ever encounter in your life

i'm allowed to be as loud as i want whenever i want but if i want you quiet, be quiet.

i'm part love part loss

part music part 2am cemetery walks

i've busted and blown out 17 pairs of headphones and ya i kept them all for who knows why. (thanks for asking)

my family is for another blog post

been in love before and have had my heart broken before. 
different people.

you can call me dres.