lovely

The Act, William Carlos Williams

There were the roses, in the rain.
Don’t cut them, I pleaded. They won’t last, she said.
But they’re so beautiful where they are.
Agh, we were all beautiful once, she said,
and cut them and gave them to me in my hand.

hearts that

hearts that bleed

hearts that feel the dead

hearts that are half dead

hearts that hurt

hearts that cry

hearts that lie

hearts that know more than your head

but always get mislead

hearts that are in cages

but know more than the brain

hearts that never give up

hearts that wish they could give up

hearts that never heal

hearts that never heal

I remember.

I remember hiding above the stairs at grandmas and not wanting to go home because she was the best grandma in the world. I remember my dad buying me and my sister a whole tub of cookie dough for lunch at his volleyball tournament in Moab. 

I remember the first time I fell in love. I remember it was the first time I cried of pure happiness and joy because I liked him so much. 

I remember that boy I met in 9th grade. I remember daybreak. I also remember the day he slammed my car door and walked away. I remember everything about those 4 years and I don't know if that's good or bad. 

I remember my little sister. Her laugh her smile her scream. I remember crying so hard I didn't know how it was possible to have tears left. I remember sophomore year. The worst year of my entire life. 

I remember my 3rd grade teacher ms okelberry and how she loved me and kept up me throughout the years. She still does and even came to my sisters funeral. 

I remember being scared of doby. I remember the time I felt so unwanted and so lonely I never wanted to wake up again. I remember my first kiss in my backyard in the forest. 

I remember my birthdays never being as special as I always imagined they would be. I remember my "sweet 16" being the absolute worst birthday of my life. I remember not caring about anyone or anything. I remember growth hormone shots every single night in my arms and legs. I remember my first D- in physics. 

I remember people becoming too cool for me. I remember meme being my favorite aunt and Scott and Nate my favorite uncles. They were the rebels and I love them haha. 

I remember the bus drivers that took us everywhere for cheer and how they were the most genuine people I had ever met. I remember that girl in the hall who said hi to me on that day where i felt I had lost everything and she made me feel like the most special person in the world. 

I remember "gambling" Halloween candy with my siblings and I remember when cell phones didn't exist and when times were 10x better without it. (In some ways) I remember Polly pockets and littlest pet shops. 

I remember missing someone so much you don't know what to do with yourself and I remember pure pain and loss. 

I remember. 

You are my favorite

I come visit you every time something seems to go wrong. I'm so happy your close and I can be with you in less than 5 minutes. You make me feel better even with your absence. You make me feel something people who are on earth can't even make me feel while you aren't even here. 

I just get out my blanket and lay down next to you. You're all I need on nights like this. I'll play some of our favorite jams. I'll put on some sad music and cry my eyes out. 

I'm that graveyard girl. That graveyard girl that comes at midnight and 2am to sit in the cemetery all night with her sister. 

I miss you.. you know. I miss you. I don't want this pain anymore and it's not getting any better. People forget. They forget. They move on and that's what hurts the most. You feel sad and people make it seem like you should move on already. "It's been long enough" they say. "Time heals." No. No it doesn't. 

Pain is still there... In that hole in your heart that will never heal.

They still fit

"A lady once stopped me on the street, I was wearing white shoes she said I'm glad your stickin with the white shoes. It makes me feel better" 

Shoes. The topic is shoes. 

I love shoes and hate shoes. You've got to find the right ones... Some may look pretty and cost hundreds of dollars... but they hurt like a mother. Some look ugly and not the most flattering but are the comfiest shoes you have ever worn. Some you have had for 6 years you love them so much and refuse to give them up or throw them out. (Yes I actually have a pair my dad got me in 6th grade. They still fit.) and you've got shoes that you never even wore you just bought them cause they looked cool.

Shoes are like people.